You Suck: A Love Story Chapter 21~22

Chapter Twenty-oneLadies and Gentlemen, Pre directing the DisappointmentsHe was the egressstrip one-handed free-throw shooter in the Bay Area, and that Christmas night he had sunk 64 in a row in his driveway hoop, shooting the natural leather Spauldingb entirely his dad had left on a lower floor the tree for him. Sixty-seven in a row, with prohi geeked ever setting drop or spilling his beer. His record was seventy- both, and he would keep up broken it, had he nary(prenominal) been heaveged off into the bushes to be slaughtered.Jeff Murray was not the smartest of the Animals, nor the most well-born, solely when it came to squandering potential, he was the hands- knock off winner. Jeff had been a atomic number 82 power forward through his sopho more, junior, and senior years in steep drill, and he had been offered a full-boat ride to Cal, Berkeley t causeher had even been talk of his qualifying pro after a couple of years in college, however Jeff had decided to impress his prom date by showing her he had enough vertical leap to clear a moving car.It was a minor misjudgment, and he would have clear(p) the car had he not drunk most of a case of beer before the attempt, and had the cars height not been eight inches enhanced by the cryst each(prenominal)ise bar on the roof. The light bar except caught Jeffs left sneaker, and somersaulted him four times in the port before he landed upright in a mob Brown split on the t developac. He was pretty au pasttic that his knee wasnt supposed to bend that way, and a team of doctors would later agree. Hed wear a brace forever and hed never play competitive basketb each once more. Although he was a smokin one-handed H.O.R.S.E. player, and he might have even been a booster amplifier if it werent for that slaughtered-in-the-bushes thing.He standardizedd the new leather ball, and he knew he shouldnt be using it on the asphalt, and especially this late at night, when the sound of his drip might disturb his n eighbors.He lived in a garage flatcar in Cow Hollow, and the fog was blowing in damp streams up his lane, fashioning the basketball sound lonely and ominous, so no one complained. It was Christmas if all some poor bastard had was some hoops, and so youd have to be a special kind of collartless to call the cops on him. A car turned at the end of the passage blue halogens brush through the fog worry sabers, then went bulge. Jeff squinted into the fog, merely couldnt make out what kind of car it was, only that it had stopped a couple of limens wad and it was a dark color.He turned to take his record-breaking shot, besides distracted, he put a little too much natural coveringspin on the ball and it jumped out of the hoop. He ran it cut out at the junipers by the garage, but was only able to tip it, so that it went into the bushes. He set his beer down on the driveway and went in after it, and well, you hunchFrancis Evelyn Stroud answered the phone on the second ring, as she always did, as it was proper to do.Hello.Hi, Mom, Its Jody. Merry Christmas.And to you, darling. Youre affair rather late.I know, Mom. I was going to call earlier, but had a thing. I was a thing, Jody thought.A thing? Of course. Did you model the package I direct? It would be expensive and completely inappropriate, a cashmere business suit, or something in a houndstooth or a herringbone, something worn only by matronly academics or matronly spies with stout poison-dart shoes. And M some other(a) Stroud would have sent it to the old address. Yes, I got it. Its lovely. I give the sackt appear to wear it.I sent a leather-bound set of the complete races of Wallace Stegner, Mother Stroud give tongue to.Fuck Jody kicked at Tommy for making her call. He skipped out of range, waving a scolding digit at her.Of course. Stegner, the Stanford paragon. Mother was one of the first coeds to graduate from Stanford and she never miss an opportunity to point out that Jody hadnt bygone t here. Jodys suffer had also gone to Stanford. She was born to Stanford, and yet she had disgraced them by going to San Francisco State, and not finishing. Yeah, those testament be great, too. I guess they just havent caught up with me yet.Youve moved again? Mrs. Stroud had lived in the identical house in Carmel for thirty years. Carpet and draperies never survived more than two years, but shed been in the same house.Yeah, we needed a little more space. Tommys working at home now.We? Then youre whitewash with that writer boy?Mom said writer thrill it was a fungus.Jody scribbled on a Post-it at the counter Note Break Tommys ordnance off. Beat him with them.Yes. Im still with Tommy. Hes been nominated for a Fulbright. So, did you have a elegant Christmas?It was fine. Your sister brought that man.Her husband, Bob, you mean? Mother Stroud did not cargon for men since Jodys father had left her for a younger woman.Well, whatever his name is.Its Bob, Mom. He went to school with us . Youve known him since he was nine.Well, I had a smoked turkey delivered, and a lovely foie-gras-and-wild-mushroom appetizer.You had Christmas catered?Of course.Of course. Of course. Of course. It would never occur to her that by having Christmas dinner catered, she was making other great deal work on Christmas. Well, I put my present in the mail, Mom. Id better go. Tommys being honored at a dinner tonight because of his massive in assureect.On Christmas?Oh, what the fuck. Hes Jewish.She could hear the intake of breath on the other end of the phone. This is the light version, Mom, imagine how scandalized you be if I told you he was unwarranted and that I killed him.You didnt tell me that. certain I did. You must be losing details. Gotta go, Mom. I gotta help Tommy get his penis piercing in before the dinner. Bye. She hung up.Tommy had been terpsichore naked in front of her for most of the phone call. When she hung up he stopped. Did I mention that I worry nigh your ethical ve stibular sense?Said the goofball who was just playing buff the scrotum with my red wank while I was making the merry Christmas call to my mother? arrest it. Youre a little turned on.Dr. Drew Drew McComber, the Ohm-budsman, the resident apothecary and medical adviser to the Animals, was afraid of the dark. The fear had crept up on him, equal a hash brownie, and coldcocked him with an inescapable paranoia after four years on the night crew at the Marina Safeway. Thing was, he awoke in the evening, to the perm eat grow lights in his garage apartment in the Marina, then operate four blocks under the streetlights to the brightly lit Safeway, then got off work in the morning when the sun was well off the horizon, to return to his grow-lit apartment, to forty winks with a satin mask in place. He encountered darkness so infrequently that it descrymed like a menacing stranger when he did.On Christmas night, mea certainly midnight, Drew sat among a jungle of five-foot-tall pot plan ts in his spiritedness room, wearing sunglasses and watching a movie on furrow well-nigh the special relationship amid the maam of an English manor house and her chimney sweep. (Because of his work schedule, and the constant demand to stay wasted, Drew prepare it difficult to keep a girlfriend. Until the Animals put Blue, his sex life had been a lar moussey solitary affair, and (sigh) apparently had become so once again.) all(prenominal) time the chimney sweeps sooty hand smacked the powdered bottom of the lady of the manor, Drew grieved a little that dusky handprint on alabaster annex falling like a shadow on his erotic soul. there was arousal, but no joy. Sad and lonely wood did tent his hemp-fiber clog pants.Then, as if scripted by Erecto, the Generously Endowed Pizza address God of Improbable Trysts, there was a knock at Drews door. kind of than answer the door directly, Drew adjusted himself and ambled through the ganja woodwind instrument to a small word-paintin g screen in his kitchenette a video peephole. Hed installed it in the eld before his doctor had given him the prescription that make him a quasilegal medical marijuana grower (patient complains that reality harshes his mellow prescribe 2 grams cannabis e precise three hours by inhalation, ingestion, or suppository).Sure enough, as if he had called in an order, the video screen revealed a blanch but pretty blonde standing on his doorstep in a conservative blue cocktail dress and heels. She might have just come from a party or a dinner out her pig was pinned up with tiny blue bows. She might have shown up to audition for the role of the lady of the manor.Drew keyed the intercom. Hi. Are you sure you have the right house?I think so, said the girl. Im looking for for Drew. She smiled into the camera. Perfect teeth.Jeez, Drew said, then realizing that he had said it allowed, he cleared his throat and said, Ill be right there.He s let loosethed his erection down, pushed his whisk er bed his ears, and in five long strides he was through the timbre and at the front door. At the last second he remembered the sunglasses, pushed them up on his head, smiled broadly, and threw open the door, releasing a wide beam of ultraviolet radiation light into the night fog.The pretty blonde dropped her smile, then screamed as she stop into flames and leapt out of the light. Drew ran out into the dark to save her.Chapter Twenty-two be the Chronicles of Abby NormalPathetic Nosferatu NoobsicleWell, except for the murder, Christmas was like a lento drag all over broken glass I now truly know the ennui of passing eternity in total boredom eating and hurling to-furky all day, stuck with Ronnie and Mom until like six, when Jared came over. His father has a refreshed family with little crumb-snatcher goisters, so they like forget about him as in brief as the squealing and presents start in the morning. He spent the unharmed day rewatching The Nightmare onward Christmas d isc in his room and gage cloves. His room is totally sacrosanct since he told his rents that he couldnt guarantee that he wouldnt be masturbating to gay porn if bothone came in. (Hes so lucky sometimes I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be unitedly and make me finish in front of everyone.)So, we like watched The Nightmare Before Christmas disc with Mom and Ronnie until they fell asleep on the couch then Jared and I drew some really cool tribal tattoos on Ronnies shave head with Magic Marker, but only like in red and black, so they look real.Then he was all, We should go get some coffee my aunt gave me a hundred-dollar Starbucks gift card for Christmas.And I hate it when people brag about their Christmas presents, because its completely shallow and materialistic. So, I was all, Yeah, well, Id love to, but I am now one of the chosen, so I have duties.And he was all, No way, youre Jewish?And I was all, No, I am nosferatu.And he was all, You are not.And I was all, Remember that sexylicious fathead from Walgreens. It was him. Well, genuinely its the Countess who brought me into the sacred circle of sanguinity.And he was all, You didnt even call me?Im sorry, Jared, but you are of an inferior species now.So he goes, I know, I totally suck.And I know hes going to go all tragico-emo on me. So I say, Buy me a Mochaccino and Ill reveal to you our dark ways and stuff.We leave a note saying that Jared has impregnated me and were running off together to join a satanic cult, so my mother wont panic when she wakes up, because shes totalitarian about release notes. Then we head to the SOMA.But apparently, the entire fucking country shuts down on Christmas, slammed under the oppressive iron fist of the baby Jesus, so out of nine Starbucks we try, all are closed.And Jared is all, Take me to meet them. I want to be in the dark fold, too.And I was all, No way, l oser, your hair is totally flat. Which it was. He only had the one spike in front, and his sculpting gel had like failed hours ago, so in his PVC raincoat, he kinda looked like a black lacquer coatrack like you see in Chinatown, but that wasnt why I couldnt take him to see the Countess and my Dark Lord. I just couldnt. I knew the Countess would freak out if she saw I was exploiting her recherche gift to show off for a friend, so I was all, Its very secret. But Jared started to pout and brood at the same time, which he can totally pull off because he practices, so I started to savour like a malodorous soupçon of mashed assholes, as Lautr??amont so aptly put it. (Shut up, Lily says it sounds more romantic in French.)So I let him come, but I told him he had to say outside crosswise the street. But when we came around the recession of the Dark Lords block, there was a guy in a yellow tracksuit standing in the middle of the street. scantily standing there, with his hood up and his head down, looking like he was going to stand there forever. And he turned really slow in our direction.Jared was all, Wanksta rappa, in my ear, and he giggled that high-pitched little-girl giggle he does sometimes thats like violence catnip to other guys. (Which is why Jared has to carry a foot-long double-edged dagger in his boot, which he calls his Wolf-fang. Fortunately it doesnt give him any false confidence and he is still a total puss, but he likes the attention he gets when doormen take it away from him at clubs.)Anyway, I think my vampyre senses were, like, on edge, because I could just tell that this wasnt your normal rap music guy standing in the middle of a deserted street in a three-hundred-dollar tracksuit at midnight on Christmas night, so I grabbed Jareds arm and pulled him back around the corner.And Im all, Dude. Shields up. Creep. Stealth. Lowest profile.So we peek around the corner, totally cloaked this time, and the tracksuit guy is like over by the door of the loft, and soul is coming out. Its the crusty old drunk guy with the huge shaved cat, and he has his unit out, like hes going to take a leak, which I could have gone another sixteen years without seeing. And Tracksuit grabs him like hes a rag doll and pulls his head back by the hair, and bites him on the neck. And when he does, I can see that its not a hip-hop guy at all, but some crusty white vampyre, his fangs were like viewable from space. So the huge cat guy is thrashing and screaming and sprinkle whiz all over the place and I can hear the huge cat hissing behind the door, and Jared grabs me by my messenger come out and starts pulling me away, down the street. So thats all I saw.And Jared was all, Whoa.And I was all, Yeah.And as currently as we got a few blocks away, I pulled out my cell and called the Countesss cell, but it went right to voice mail. So now were at a special midnight showing of The Nightmare Before Christmas at the Metreon, drinking a huge Diet Coke to calm our nerves while we wait for a return call from my vampyre coven. (Jared forgot his inhaler and has been gasping since we saw the attack. Its so embarrassing. great deal are like looking, and Ive moved a couple of seats over so they wont think Im giving him a hand job or something.) I am totally overcome with dread and foreboding, and the time passes like a seeping infection on a bad forehead piercing. So we wait. I wish we had some pot. More later.Oh yeah, and Mom got me a green Care Bear for Christmas I totally love it.Youre sure this is where you left it? Jody was looking up and down the Embarcadero. There were no people out on the street the performers and hustlers were long gone. She could hear the Bay straddle humming in the distance, a foghorn started to low over in Alameda. A BART train burped out of a tunnel onto the street a block away, headed toward the ballpark, empty. A police cruiser turning out of Market Street strafed them with its headlights before heading past the Ferry construct toward Fishermans Wharf. Tommy waved to the cops.Yeah. I was right here and my watch went off. He weighed a ton. It would have taken a bunch of guys to move him.Jody saw something shining on the bricks near her feet and crouched down to touch the source. Metal filings of some sort. She licked her digit and came up with a coating of yellowish metallic particles on her fingertip. Unless soulfulness cut it up.Who would do that? Who would cut a statue up and steal the pieces?Doesnt matter. perhaps thieves, maybe city workers. If someone cut that bronze shell, one of two things happened. If it was daytime, Elijah fried out here in the sun. If it was dark, hes free.It wasnt light, was it?Jody shook her head. Im guessing no. She saw a light pattern among the bricks a few steps away and crouched down again. There was a fine, grayish powder between the bricks. She pinched some between her fingers and shook her head. For sure no.What? What is that?She napped her finger off on her jeans and dug into her jacket pocket. Tommy, remember I told you that you didnt drink the whore dry because she wouldnt have been there if you had?Yeah.Well, thats because when a vampire drains someone when we drain someone, they turn to a fine gray powder. I cant explain why, but it looks like that. Feels like that. She pointed to the mortar lines between the bricks.Tommy knelt down and touched the powder, looked up. How do you know that?You know how I know that?Youve killed people.She shrugged. vindicatory a couple. And they were sick. Terminal. They were asking for it, sort of.So thats why you werent upset about the hooker?She pulled her cell phone out of her jacket pocket, then held it behind her back and twisted back and forth looking at her feet, like a little girl being interrogated about how Mommys lamp got broken. Are you wan?Im a little disappointed.Really? Im really sorry. You would have done the same thing if youd been there.Im just disappointed that you didnt feel that you could trust me.You were having a impregnable time with your change. I didnt want to bother you.But it wasnt sexual or anything, right?Absolutely not. Purely nutritional. She didnt think it necessary to tell him about kissing the old man. It would just confuse things.Well, I guess its okay, then. I guess if you had to.He stood and she ran to him and kissed him. I cant tell you how glad I am to have that off my chest.Yeah, wellHang on. She held up a finger and hit the power button on her phone.Calling your mom to tell her she was right about your being a tramp?Im calling the kid.Abby?Yeah. I need to tell her to stay away from our place. Elijah is going to start messing with us like before.Jody watched as the little icons on her phone showed that it was searching for a signal. But she said she wasnt coming by tonight. Its Christmas.I know she said that, but I think she may come by anyway.why?Well, she has a thing for me, I think. I bit her last night.You bit A bby?Yeah. I told you, I was hurt. I needed God, youre such a cable slut.I knew youd be mad.Well, its Abby, for fucks sake. Im her dark lord.Look, a voice mail.Elijah Ben Sapir cast the twitching, pee-spraying alcoholic across the street, where he bounced off the metal garage door of the foundry and back out to the curb, where his head knocked the side mirror off an lawlessly parked Mazda.Then the vampire walked with exaggerated steps, his arms held out from his sides like a bad stage monster to try to keep the urine-sotted velour fabric of his tracksuit from contacting his skin. Although he had experienced all manner of filth and bloodletting in his eight hundred years, and had, in fact, spent whole days hiding naked under loamy soil to escape the sun, he didnt remember being quite so put off as he was at being pissed on by his lunch. perhaps it was that he only had one set of clothes now, and there was no luxurious racing yacht with a full wardrobe to retire to, or perhaps i t was that he had spent the day between two urine-stained mattresses under an unconscious junkie while police searched the hotel around him. Hed just hit his limit, thats all.Hed known the desk clerk would give him up to the police, so as soon as he had gone to his room, the vampire had hidden his tracksuit in the corner of the closet, gone to mist, then slipped under the door into the next room and in between the mattress and box springs of a semiconscious junkie. Hed gone back to substantive just as sunrise put him out for the day.At sundown, he was surprised at how elated he was to find the tracksuit still in the closet, after he fed off the junkie (just a sip) and snapped his neck. (Leaving more or less a greeting card to the homicide inspectors who had attacked him with the others at the yacht club.) Now his precious tracksuit was all covered in whiz and he was furious.He stalked over to where hed thrown the bum and snatched him up by the ankle. Elijah was not tall by modern s tandards, but he found that if he held the bums ankle high above his head, he could shake him sufficiently to get the job done.Youre not even her minion, are you? Elijah banged the bums head against the pavement to punctuate his question.Please, said the bum. My huge cat Thud, thud, thud on the sidewalk. A little shake. Change, a few bills, a lighter, and a bottle of knot Walker rained out of the bums pockets.Youre just her little moo cow, arent you? I tasted her on you.Theres a kid, said the moo cow. A spooky little girl. She takes care of them.Them?Elijah flung the bum against the garage and proceeded to pick up the change and the bills on the sidewalk. The trade name door next to the garage door opened and a beefy bald man in overalls stepped out on the sidewalk, smacking a lead-tipped tire thumper on his palm. You motherfuckers making enough noise out here?Elijah bared his fangs and hissed at the biker, then leapt to the wall over the garage door and clung there, facedown, above the bikers head.The biker looked up at the vampire, down at the prostrate bum, then at the damaged Mazda. Well, okay then, he said. I can see you fellas still have some shit to work out. He slipped back into the foundry and slammed the door.Elijah dropped to his feet and headed up the street, not even bothering to stop to snap the moo cows neck. How could he have been so stupid? He wasnt going to terrorise her by killing a food source. He needed to threaten her minion, just as he had with the boy. How could he have known that shed actually betray him and choose the boy? Turn the boy? It wouldnt happen again.Amid all the anger, the hunger, and the excitement at having a purpose, Elijah Ben Sapir felt a twinge of heartache. He had begun this adventure thinking himself the puppet master now he was all entangled in the strings. Making mistakes.No worry. He cocked his head and focused. past the rasping breath of the moo cow, the buildings settling, the Bay Bridge humming, and a universal gravitational constant hearts beating in the lofts around him, he could hear the retreating steps of the little girl and her friend.